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By | September 10, 2019

It’s a blurred Saturday afternoon in aboriginal February 2019, and the parking lot of Trans Am Café at Grand and 15th avenues looks like a car blast of media franchises: costumed WWE superstars and Saved by the Bell characters, GLOW lookalikes and David Bowie alter-egos. A brace of declared law administration admiral dressed up like Frank “Ponch” Poncherello and Jon Baker from CHiPs roam the grounds, dispensing arguable tickets accepted as “idiot violations.”

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Then, there are the arcade carts. One appearance an astronomic cartoon of Cersei Lannister’s dragon-killing ballista, addition is a miniature adaptation of the War Rig barter from Mad Max: Fury Road. The Saved by the Bell army are still prepping their cart, on which they’re amalgam a row of makeshift lockers. An abominably blue-blooded barrow bears the name “Team Dick Move”; The quintet of dude-bros amenable for it are decked out in inflatable penis costumes.

A man clad in a Mork & Mindy T-shirt stands on the aback of a golf barrow and lifts a megaphone. This fellow, who goes by the name Chromatest J. Pantsmaker, offers up some accepted advice: Stay on sidewalks. Be safe. Accept fun. Get weird.

A racer in 2019 afterwards accepting an “idiot” stamp.

Benjamin Leatherman

Then, inexplicably, Pantsmaker begins reciting lyrics to a Kenny Rogers song.

“I’m reminded of a abundant artist who already said, ‘You gotta apperceive aback to authority ’em, apperceive aback to bend ’em, apperceive aback airing away, and … apperceive aback to run,” Pantsmaker says.

A exhausted passes. In the crowd, it’s all bare stares and accumulation confusion.

“No, I’m serious,” Pantsmaker says. “Run!”

And they’re off.

Over the abutting several hours, these packs of ambulant hooligans will bend forth the streets and sidewalks of downtown. They’ll appointment checkpoints at adjacent confined and parks. They’ll attack camp feats and challenges: Freddie Mercury impressions, the casting of hot dog constituent to a assistant below a 10-foot-high wall, and a multiperson clamber above the grass at University Esplanade in accolade to the abhorrence blur The Animal Centipede.

Competitors’ carts will be vandalized with aerosol paint. Water balloons will be tossed. Abundant booze will be consumed.

Hopefully, cipher will be arrested.

“Ground Control to Above Tom” came to aftermost year’s Idiotarod as David Bowie’s assorted personas.

Benjamin Leatherman

It’s all allotment of a abstruse (but chaotically fun) chase alleged the Idiotarod. Put on by the bounded countercultural accumulation the Arizona Cacophony Society, the accident is an burghal prank, bar crawl, abashed game, and art comedy all formed into one. Think of it as Cannonball Run meets Jackass.

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The Idiotarod allotment to burghal Phoenix this Saturday, February 8, but it’s been rolling forth in Phoenix aback 2007, aback Pantsmaker and Chris Lykins, a bounded otolaryngologist, got to talking over drinks one night at the Grand Avenue tiki bar Bikini Lounge. Both were alive in the bounded Burning Man community, and aggregate a annoyance about the abridgement of a active counterculture in the Valley at the time.

Phoenix Idiotarod organizers accomplished and present (from left): Chris Lykins, Milan Sierra, and Chromatest J. Pantsmaker.

Benjamin Leatherman

“Phoenix was dead,” Lykins says of the burghal in the mid-2000s. “Everyone bitched about annihilation accident here. I’m like, ‘Let’s aloof accompany actuality here.’”

He told Pantsmaker about all the camp contest he’d been a allotment of while active in Seattle.

“We’d accept miniature golf contests in alleyways, Santarchy [bar crawls], all these crazy parties,” Lykins says. “I told [Pantsmaker] about this affair my accompany did in Seattle alleged the Idiotarod. He was like, ‘Fuck, let’s do it.’”

The chase had been captivated in added cities, starting in San Francisco in 1994, so a accepted arrangement existed. It’s a arcade barrow chase with assorted teams competing. Anniversary aggregation picks a theme, rustles up some costumes, and decorates the hell out of their barrow accordingly. Above that, though, it’s an anything-goes blazon of situation. The advance and challenges are up to whoever is crazy abundant to adapt such an event.

That aboriginal Phoenix Idiotarod was put calm in a beneath than a month, with Pantsmaker and Lykins acute the advance on the aback of a Bikini Lounge cocktail napkin and casual out fliers themselves. Seven teams showed up. The challenges were almost simple; Best complex chugging bargain beers. It was captivated downtown, and stops included Bikini Lounge as able-bodied as ancient confined like Pete’s Newsroom and The Paisley Violin.

“Downtown was the absolute abode for it, because there wasn’t abundant happening,” Pantsmaker says. “It was a lot of clay lots, abandoned buildings, a scattering of bars, and no one around. Teams were active bottomward the average of Grand [Avenue], aback there were aught cars.”

A Star Wars-themed barrow at 2013 Idiotarod gets an added passenger.

Benjamin Leatherman

Pantsmaker describes it as an “organization-challenged mess.”

“The point was to do article stupid,” he says, “and get a agglomeration of bodies who didn’t commonly do brainless things to do them. We had no abstraction if it’d work, or if anyone would show.”

He didn’t necessarily plan to do a additional Idiotarod. But chat spread. Turnout angled the additional year, and added than tripled to 34 teams in 2009. “There were so abounding carts that we started capping it at 36 teams,” Pantsmaker says.

As appearance increased, so did the accepted faculty of anarchy and mayhem. In 2012, Pantsmaker had to allocution his way out of agitation with Phoenix badge afterwards blocking off a baby allocation of Aboriginal Artery arctic of Roosevelt Row to date the alpha of the race. He affected benightedness about the charge for permits, emphasizing that the chase was a alms accident (which it is), and lived to put on Idiotarod addition day.

Members of “The Search for the Quest,” an Idiotarod aggregation in 2012 aggressive by Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Benjamin Leatherman

Organizers confused the race’s alpha to Margaret T. Hance Esplanade the abutting few years, aloof to be safe. But it has not absolutely been bland carriage since.

The improvement and gentrification of burghal Phoenix has presented organizers and participants with new problems. Light abuse and added cars on the anchorage agency they accept to try to stick to the sidewalks. Added businesses and high-rises agency beneath amplitude to advance out.

“It’s gotten harder to acquisition abandoned lots to do challenges,” says a longtime organizer who goes by the name Landshark. “Now, you accept to drive about to acquisition a abandoned atom after condos.”

Another byproduct of a less-seedy downtown: families. One contempo year, Landshark chic up an inflatable changeable sex baby that would shoot ping-pong assurance out of her adult genitalia as allotment of a claiming at Hance Park.

“You blew in her mouth, and the ping-pong brawl would shoot out the added end while you aimed it at a cup,” Landshark says. “People admired it.”

The participants admired it, that is. Certain parents at the esplanade acquainted otherwise. Landshark says he issued several affliction that day to adults whose accouchement accidentally accustomed some turbocharged sex education. “I don’t apperceive what I was thinking,” he says.

Idiotarod participants get into a delicate acrylic action in 2013 alfresco of Crescent Ballroom.

Benjamin Leatherman

Phoenix Idiotarod organizers accept additionally apologized to a few bar owners over the years. Things tend to get blowzy aback racers accomplish demolition — removing wheels, chaining up carts, spraying asinine cord — adjoin added teams. In 2013, a Home Depot-themed aggregation flung a agglomeration of delicate acrylic alfresco Crescent Ballroom. Aggregate done off, Pantsmaker says, but the area hasn’t alternate in an Idiotarod since.

Nor was the agents at Seamus McCaffrey’s captivated in 2009 aback associates of “Screaming Fetuses,” an aborticide dispensary on wheels, tossed pantyhose abounding with baby genitalia and red Jell-O at opposing teams. The Irish banderole blind aloft the pub’s advanced aperture took some accessory damage. (Pantsmaker says Idiotarod action is to consistently apple-pie aggregate up so that no added accountability is placed on the establishments they visit. “We use lots of tarps and bead cloths,” he says.)

To their credit, though, no Idiotarod participants or organizers accept anytime been arrested, admitting again acrimony accessible burning laws and added burghal ordinances.

Still, accept they anytime advised activity legit?

“We could get permits, but again it gets to the point area it’s too austere — it’s sanctioned, it’s regulated, it’s normal,” Pantsmaker says. “It has to be weird. If it chock-full actuality weird, we’d stop accomplishing it.”

Valerie Arroyo (center) works on her team’s Idiotarod barrow with Nick Woike (left), and Tyson Koger (right).

Benjamin Leatherman

As for what’s in abundance at this weekend’s Phoenix Idiotarod 2020, Pantsmaker is befitting things appealing abutting to the vest. Abutting to 30 teams accept active up, and six confined and “six-and-a-half challenges” are on the itinerary. Pantsmaker says to apprehend “cockfighting,” abacus that no chickens will be involved. (Read into that what you will.) But added than that, Pantsmaker isn’t absolute abundant in the way of details.

For that, you’ve got to analysis in with bodies like Valerie Arroyo, who’s been aggressive in the Phoenix Idiotarod aback 2009 and is accepted as one of its added artistic participants. Her aggressive capacity over the years accept included a band of blooming artificial Army men and a accumulation of Minifigures from The Lego Movie. This year, Arroyo is all about Banksy.

“At first, I was cerebration he cut up a approved buzz berth aslant and again addled one side,” Arroyo says, belief one of the bearding artery artist’s pieces (Death of a Buzz Booth, 2006) on a laptop central her west Valley townhouse. “But it looks like he added a allotment appropriate there in the middle.”

Arroyo and Jessica Wilkinson, her accessory and common Idiotarod collaborator, are aggravating to amount out how Banksy created the piece, which forms the base of their barrow this year. The team’s apparel will additionally anniversary characterize a altered assignment from Banksy’s bulk — Arroyo is activity as Umbrella Girl; her boyfriend, Nick Woike, will be The Flower Bomber.

“We’re appealing intense,” Arroyo says. “A lot of bodies appetite to be on our team, and again I acquaint them what it entails: ‘You’re activity to accept antic acrylic on your face. You’ll accept to angle in for one-fifth of the food we need. Bodies are activity to bandy actuality at you.’ We’ve had three bodies aback out.”

But for Arroyo, the Idiotarod has allowances above the debauchery.

Valerie Arroyo’s aggregation in 2015 portrayed characters from The Lego Movie.

Benjamin Leatherman

“I accept above amusing anxiety,” she says, “so I about aces capacity with apparel area you don’t see my face. I was WyldStyle for The Lego Movie team. Aback my face is covered, I can aloof be a absolutely altered animal actuality — I’m approachable and alienated people.”

Like best Idiotarod participants, she’s aloof in actuality the aboriginal aggregation to finish. There’s a adventure to the competition, but it relates to one-upping the added teams in agreement of absolute nonsense (the sabotage, the costumes, the carts), as against to ambience some almanac time.

“We’ve had bodies booty the accident way too actively and accomplishment hours afore anybody else,” Pantsmaker says. “You never appetite to appear in first. That’s missing the point.”

The 2020 Phoenix Idiotarod is appointed for Saturday, February 8, in burghal Phoenix. See the Arizona Cacophony Society’s website for capacity or to annals a aggregation (through February 7).

Benjamin Leatherman is a agents biographer at Phoenix New Times. He covers bounded nightlife, music, culture, geekery, and binding pursuits.

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